if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
