the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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