Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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