you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
