You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
