Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
