you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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