Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
