Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
