i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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