Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
