you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
