When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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