I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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