i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
