We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
