I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
