He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He shit in the fireplace
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
