dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
