You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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