Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
