I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
