drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
