When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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