matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
