yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
