I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
