so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
