is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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