I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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