but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
