a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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