Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
