I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
