It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
last night I used snow as a chaser
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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