dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
