I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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