I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
