did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
