So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
