What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
