i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
