i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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