my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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