i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My liver just had a heart attack.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
