HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
