he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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