she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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