No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
