At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
