I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
this is an emotional support booty call
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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