i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
